For the longest time, I’ve felt the sensation of living in a skin suit that wasn’t mine, and the body that I’d see did not fit my core. I didn’t feel connected to my body at all, as I had no real affinity or sense of preciousness toward it. It took some time and difficult self-examination to assess the problem at hand as gender dysphoria. Who I know myself to be deep inside and who I saw were at odds; I couldn’t even fathom living my life as a man. The dissonance between the two was unbearable; I had no other choice but to traverse the distance between them as a means of self-actualization. Thus, transitioning became for me the unequivocal attempt to merge the derealized masculine body and my female self into a totality. What I was seeing versus what simply is.

The networks usually appear as I work. Before conceptualizing a network, I first create a scaffolding for the drawing to exist on, creating different planes, structures, and points of tension. Only then do the marks intuitively expand and ossify, revealing a complex logic. I can best visualize it as a nervous system. If it were taken out of the body and curled up into a ball, it would have a function that's completely devoid of its form. I think about drawings in the same way, needing some guidance and structure in order to go wild on top of them.

I don't know: where is the borderline between two objects? Two atoms? It's permeable; a passageway goes both ways; traffic resolves itself, you know.

It is insanely buildable, in that I can add layer upon layer of colour and it still retains an air of delicacy while giving me precise control. Every line and form is rhizomatically expansible, and slowly appears on the page, coming to the forefront like a ghostly apparition. The fuzziness of the medium ambiguates forward, like mold slowly cementing into its own becoming. Also, the cost.

I'm a sucker for 90s-00s, industrial goth, cyberpunk, moody anime and films. A couple that stand out: Malice@Doll, Serial Experiments Lain, After Life, Garage Bad Dream Adventure, Texhnolyze. Truly a treasure trove of inspirations.

Funny coincidences regarding birds. Yesterday, while I was waiting for the bus and looking across the street at the ledge of an old bank, I noticed that all the pigeons, around 50 of them, were facing west. It's like they were too shy to face each other but had come to line up, harmoniously waiting in a queue to fly away. Also: playing with my vision, crossing my eyes to look at/through an image.

The excess of details. My work is super intricate and obsessive to the point that it sometimes feels overbearing. It has its pros, but I'm trying to zoom out more when working so I don't lose the big picture.

Pic related.

We're hopefully all trying to figure out how to coexist and live alongside and with each other; it's complicated, it's enmeshed, but necessary.

Silly games on my phone!

Cloverpit: Purgatory roguelike, Balatro-esque, fake yet real gambling on a slot machine for bigger and bigger numbers and maybe go to hell or heaven.

Umamusume Pretty Derby: Anime horse-girl racing career training game based on real horses and events.

Chess: Classic.

At the moment I have an isolated studio where I can blast music from my janky but essential speaker set-up. I'm someone who can't really go outside without headphones on my head separating me from ambient noise, so music has always been a current I could depend on. At the start of my day I queue up DJ mixes for the day, curating them by desired energy level and ambiance.

Couple of my recent favourites are:

Piezo @ Nowadays Nonstop NYC 17/02/24

E+E Presenta: El Sueño Del Forastero [2013]

Torus - Summer Of Love

Leave Society by Tao Lin.

I'd have to say Kamikaze Girls by Tetsuya Nakashima. Bosozoku, Lolita fashion, lesbians, full-on ultimate comfort movie.

More critical writing!!!